I'm Hahmahlehch Hahmahveht

by Barry Drogin

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I'm Hahmahlehch Hahmahveht (from "Love and Idols")

I don't mean to disillusion her,
But I'm the Lord's High Executioner
And I've got a little list
Which says who shall not exist.
She can yell or spout a sonnet,
But poor Susan isn't on it.
So I'll calm her indignation
With some tales of my vocation
Spouting lyrics metropolitan
Like a Gilbert or a Sullivan.

Dear Susan, your hunger
To die when you're younger
Is short-lived and will not last.
Most souls I am fetching
Are aged and retching...
Or wretched and aging fast.
I meet with resistance,

They plead for existence
But none of them may survive
For I have been given
A list of the livin'...
Who mustn't remain alive.

I'm Hahmahlehch Hahmahveht,
It's a job but I love it!
And there's nothin' that's surpassin'
Being known as G-d's assassin!
But Susan, you must live,
You forget and He'll forgive.
Unless you're on the list
You must exist.

There's someone I'll bump off
By making him jump off
A ship on the bounding main.
While others more gory
Fall seventeen stories ---
It's messy but it's humane.

I don't always mangle
I also will strangle
With pillows and hanging drapes.
I have to be certain
That it will mean curtains...
(Curtains, ha!)
And nobody will escape.

I'm Hahmahlehch Hahmahveht, etc.

I'll kill 'em, I'll slay 'em,
I'll sing a "Te Deum,"
Chant "Kaddish" or "Requiem."
I'm non-denominational,
It's strictly occupational,
And part of the postmortem.

Oh, nothing is diviner
Than the crash of an airliner
In the morning!
(Three hundred in one fell swoop!)

Dead-drunks are deadly
They slaughter a medley
Of drivers and passers-by,
The smoker who wheezes
Gets fatal diseases...
And kills off his neighbor beside!

While other destroyers
Like taxes and lawyers
Keep everyone running in place.
'Twixt vices and dole
There isn't much soul...
That's left in the human race.

I'm Hahmahlehch Hahmahveht,
It's a job but I love it!
And there's nothin' that's surpassin'
Being known as G-d's assassin!
But Susan, you must live,
You forget and He'll forgive.
Unless you're on the list
You cannot be dismissed,
Don't be a nihilist!
You must exist!

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Last Updated: August 4, 2007